Armie Hammer: Being Divorced Is Great! I Get to Bang Beauty Queens!

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Another day, another bizarre scandal involving actor and possible cannibal Armie Hammer.

Just a few weeks ago, Hammer — a father of two, who is recently estranged from his wife of 10 years —  was regarded as one of the most normal young actors in Hollywood.

Much has changed in a very short period of time, and now we’re forced to consider the possibility that Hammer has an insatiable appetite for human flesh.

In case you somehow missed it, reports that Hammer is a cannibal began to circulate earlier this month, due to leaked DMs from a woman with whom he allegedly had an affair.

“I am 100% a cannibal,” the actor wrote at one point, leaving little doubt with regard to his number one fetish.

Do we think Armie is an actual people-eater?

No, but the guy seems to be really, really into talking about it.

Hammer issued a statement, in which he angrily denied the legitimacy of the DMs, dismissing them as “bullsh-t.”

But the situation later took a more serious turn when a recent ex of Hammer’s accused the actor of being emotionally abusive during their short relationship last year.

Now, Hammer is facing new allegations of unseemly behavior thanks to a video clip from his private Instagram page.

The post shows a lingerie-clad woman on all fours on what appears to be a bed in a hotel room.

“Well… my ex (for very good reason) wife [Elizabeth Chambers] is refusing to come back to america with my children. So I have to go back to Cayman… which sucks,” Hammer captioned the post, according to the Daily Mail.

“Except there are a few silver linings. Like f–king Ms. Cayman again while I’m down there.”

Yes, it seems that Armie’s ex is still quarantining with the kids in the Cayman Islands.

The couple is no longer together, so he’s allowed to bang whomever he wants.

What he’s not allowed to do is boast about his conquests by sharing racy pictures of a woman (presumably) without her permission.

The post was brought to the attention of the Miss Cayman Islands Universe Committee released a statement, who issued a statement in response.

“[We] would like to confirm that the woman is not the reigning Miss Cayman Islands [Mariah Tibbetts] and has no affiliation to the Miss Cayman Islands Universe pageant,” chairperson Derri Ann said.

“The Committee and the reigning Miss Cayman regard this issue with the utmost seriousness and the matter has been reported to the Royal Cayman Islands Police Service (RCIPS).”

Hammer has apologized for the post in a statement that reads:

“I would like to clarify that the person in my video, which was stolen from my private Instagram, is not Miss Cayman. I am genuinely sorry for any confusion my foolish attempt at humor may have caused.

“My deep sympathies to Miss Cayman, who I don’t know, and to the entire organization as I had no intentions of implying she was actually Miss Cayman.”

Apparently, Armie’s private Instagram is where he allows his inner demons to come out and play, because that’s just the beginning of the weirdness.

Hammer also revealed that he’s required to pass a drug test before he’s allowed to spend time with his kids.

“Divorce is so fun. Not as fun as drugs. But what is,” he captioned a photo of his at-home testing kit. 

He later shared a pic of the results, with a caption reading:

“All negative, b***hes. My body is a finely tuned toxicant processing unit. To be fair I had THC and benzos in my piss. But who doesn’t.”

That was followed by a video of Hammer vaping, with a caption that read:

“When you realize they don’t test for DMT on drug tests.”

Not surprisingly, those closest to Hammer are deeply concerned about the latest updates on the actor.

“He always liked to drink, do drugs, but never like this,” a source close to the situation tells the Mail.

“Armie had a whole other side to him that [Chambers] wasn’t aware of. Whether it was always there and he kept it hidden, or something happened that changed him completely, she doesn’t know.

Here’s hoping Armie is able to find whatever sort of help he needs.

We’d love to be able to get back to cracking cannibal jokes guilt-free!

 

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