I am a sophomore in high school, and since middle school I have had suicidal thoughts, and attempted about twice. But that is not the heart of my current issue. Last year, I started having homicidal thoughts as well. I have thoughts of planting a bomb in my school, or walking into my school or mall or church with a rifle and opening fire. I have no reason to want this, I am not bullied, nor is there anyone I outright hate and want to make dead. To be clear, I do not have any intention of doing this, and this is in no way a threat to commit such an act. But the thought often dominates my thoughts. Planning out how such an attack would go, thinking about how the media would react, ect. These thoughts have started to interfere with my schoolwork.
I do not want you to think of me as a violent school shooter, that is not who I am.
I feel there is no one I can come to with this. My parents would brush it off, like they did when I came to them after trying to kill myself. I have come to one friend about suicide, and she has been very helpful, but I fear if I come to a close friend, they would be scared of me, and I would be outcast and feared by those I love. I don’t want people to think I want to harm them. Or think of me as a school shooter. In short, I don’t want to be thought of as the next Dylan Klebold or Adam Lanza. But I certainly don’t want to turn into them either.
A: It takes courage to talk about thoughts that scare us. Fearing that others will judge us, fearing that we may not be in control of our thoughts can limit who we talk to and what we say. It is a very brave thing to do to have taken the first step by reaching out to us at Psych Central.
The internal struggle you are having with these thoughts is the right struggle to have, and it is this internal battle that you will want to talk about. I recommend you make an appointment with your school’s counselor immediately. Tell him or her that you are not feeling safe and you want to talk about the reasons why. Make sure you explain that you want to talk sooner rather than later.
You have taken this first important step to reach out here and we admire you for that. Now take the next step and speak with someone else who cares and will help you manage these thoughts and feelings. You did the right thing by reaching out.