Well, folks, we’re just hours away from the wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.
Predictions for what you can expect as the global media continues to foam at the mouth include:
Yet another rundown of how terrible Meghan’s family is; talking head-types pretending anyone actually watched the show Suits; and of course, painstaking second-by-second breakdowns of how the actual ceremony will play out, as though you’ve never seen a freakin’ wedding before.
To be fair, tomorrow’s ceremony is sure to be more interesting than royal weddings past, thanks largely to a last-minute curveball thrown by Meghan’s lame-ass dad.
As you may have heard, Thomas Markle will not be attending his daughter’s wedding for reasons that vary depending on whom you ask/believe.
The most likely explanation seems to be that Thomas is embarrassed that he was busted selling staged paparazzi photos to British media outlets, so he’s decided to make the situation worse by bailing on the wedding entirely.
The decision created quite a stir, as Thomas was supposed to symbolically give Meghan away before she joins Harry at the altar.
Fortunately, it wasn’t long before a suitable plan B emerged.
This morning it was reported that Prince Charles would walk Meghan down the aisle, but now it seems that’s only partially true.
CNN is now claiming that Meghan will “make a bold feminist statement” by proceeding down the first stretch of the aisle “unescorted.”
Of course, actual solitude is for peasants, and royals are never really alone, even when they’re “alone.”
So when CNN says “unescorted” they really mean Meghan will be joined by her bridesmaids and page boys, “with a senior church figure walking ahead.”
The Donald’s favorite news network also points out that Charles is no stranger to the task of walking blushing brides down the aisle.
In 2016, he escorted Alexandra Knatchbull during her wedding to Thomas Hooper – and who could forget the famed Knatchbull-Hooper wedding?
Just kidding, we have no idea who these people are.
Anyway, it’s cool that Meghan is using her time on the world’s biggest stage to make a statement that’s sure to inspire other young women.
But our favorite part of this story might be the fact that Harry’s grandfather, 96-year-old Prince Philip, will be in attendance less than two months after undergoing hip surgery.
We’re sure he’ll be there primarily to support his grandson and new granddaughter-in-law.
But we like to think he’s at least partially motivated by a desire to make Thomas Markle look like a little bitch.